And as if that wasn’t bad enough…

Yesterday I went on a nice trip to Nairobi with Theresa and Katie the Peace Corps volunteers for me to get a new Phone and for them to have a day out and do some shopping in a supermarket. I’d done my 8km run in the morning and had tired legs all day. When I finally got to bed around 9pm I was ready to drop. But I’d sent a few text messages with my new Reconditioned Nokioa 3310 before turning in and replies trickled in. I was glad of the messages and by about 11.45 when one arrived I decided that, since I was still awake, I’d go to the loo and then try and get some sleep.

Mass Murder

**ACT 2**
**Scene I** The toilet in a little house in Kenya

Mark (sitting on the loo with his Dr Seuss boxer shorts round his ankles) spies a snake curled up next to a can of insect repellant, about 9″ from his foot.

snake2 (17k image) Since the snake is dorment, Mark finishes his business and fetches his camera. Then wanders off roun the house to look for a stick because last time he had a snake in the house the locals scolded him for not killing it and told him that the best way to do so was to hit it with a stick, and then RUN AWAY, because some snakes can jump.

Mark returns with an iron bar used to secure the door to his house. He stands on the other side of the toilet basin from the snake and places the nib of the bar on the snakes neck, like they do in cowboy films.

Snake: wakes up and starts thrashing its body round the iron bar; opening and closing its mouth in silent anger.

Mark: now puzzled, wonders what to do next as the snake clearly isn’t dead.

Snake: doesn’t die

Mark: pushes hard on the bar

Snake: wrythes a lot and opens and closes its mouth without saying anything

Mark: rocks the bar back and forward trying to sever the bloody snakes head as he feels it would be a bad idea to let the snake go now that it is awake, angry and shouting silent curses at him while trying to strangle the iron bar with its body.

After a great deal of rocking and dragging the head of the snake is mostly removed from most of the rest of the snake and the remainder of the snake is soiling the bathroom floor.

Snake: stops opening and closing mouth but continues to wiggle body and tail in an unplesant way.

Exit Mark (to kitchen)

Enter Mark (from kitchen) with brush and dustpan and a tough plastic bag

Mark sweeps the non-liquid remains of the snake into the bag and pours some Jik bleach on the liquid parts, then goes and sits on his bed for a while waiting for his pulse to return to normal.

**End of Scene I**

6 Comments

  1. Lydia Says:

    So, what’s the biggest thing you’ve killed today?
    Do you change your boxer shorts at any point?
    Did you wash your hands afterwards?
    Did you clean the broom?
    Doesnt the toilet now smell rather unpleasant?
    Are you really turning into Tarzan? (photographic evidence please) :hehe:

  2. I hat snakes Says:

    :O you freaked me out last night with your "beheaded a snake" text (from your new phone???). You KNOW i hate snakes – i still remember when you told me about Betty – the python that lived in the Urban Bar staircase. I hadn’t noticed the first time I went, and then you pointed her out to me … and ever since i had to manuver myself to be as FAR AWAY from Betty (in her glass box!) going up those stairs … shiver…

    On a lighter note – I have piccies of you in Dr Seuss shorts (and blazer and halding a whisky bottle with a flower in it!!!!) …. 😀 the memories …..

  3. natty Says:

    I was bitten on the foot by a copperhead (poisonous American snake, but doesn’t require antivenin, won’t kill you) when I was 11. By far the most incredible pain I’ve ever felt in my life.

    I’ve seen my fair share of water snakes growing up summers at my grandparents lake house in South Carolina. Mostly we just let them go, but granddad or one of my many uncles would go out with the shotgun if it stayed around the dock too long. Now the big problem is alligators. We had drought for several years in a row that dried up the swampy areas the gators lived in, so they started coming out into the lake, specifically our little cove. They keep carrying off old Mrs. Beatty’s little yippie dogs. They’re protected, so you’re not supposed to kill them, but a guy a few docks down has shot two of them because he’s got several little children. We keep a couple of granddad’s shotguns and one of dad’s automatics close at hand, just in case.

    Down here in Louisiana, things are really compounded, since somebody thought it’d be a really good idea to build a port city right in the middle of a frickin swamp: gators in the middle of the road, gators in the middle of the interstate, gators in the middle of Wal-Mart when it floods (which is all the friggin time). I think the worst problem is the nutria, which is some sort of Asian rodent the size of a large dog. Remember the Rodents of Unusual Size in THE PRINCESS BRIDE? Yeah, these are it. Story goes somebody a hundred years ago thought it’d be a good idea to bring them to the States and raise them for fur coats. They got loose after a hurricane destroyed all the pens, and they’ve been breeding like, well, rats ever since with no natural predators (too big for the occassional coyote that makes it over here, we’re too far south for any panthers or big cats, and gators can only pick off so many). To cut down on the population, Jefferson Parish next door to Orleans is paying $5 a head for nutria. Drive around Metairie on a Friday night and you see a ton of pickup trucks filled with guys drinking beer with shotguns across their laps. Yeehaw.

  4. Westley Says:

    Rodents Of Unusual Size?
    Oh, I don’t think they really exist.

  5. Mark Says:

    So there are benefits of the Gun Culture then?

    "From my cold, dead hands"

  6. natty Says:

    I got into a gun control debate with one of Tim’s friends when I was in London last January. He finally conceded we Americans had a point when I told him how many gators, snakes, wildcats, coyotes, wolves and bears we still have running around.